Blue Moon

📘 The Spaces in Between

The first chapter of Part 3 - Late Night Talking. It serves as a summary of the story so far and where it's going.

It took two beautiful people, a lifetime of cultural conditioning, generational and family trauma, a pivotal panic attack, therapy, extensive reading, continous learning, and dedicated work to consciously observe every thought, every reaction, every pattern I was displaying. Through this journey, I gradually moved away from my default setting, and found my way back to the me I kept hidden inside, out of fear of rejection and abandonment. Joke’s on me, there was never anything wrong with me. There was never anything unloveable about me.

Over the years, I made conscious efforts and decisions to control my emotions and reactions, so I seem more cool, laid back, easy going, To be more like Beaver’s girlfriend, was the way Panda has put it. I wanted to be agreeable, liked and loved. I didn’t want to stray too far out from the people around me. It always felt odd, as if I was doing so at skin level and only my outer shell would display this learned behaviour. It felt mechanic and cold. It was exhausting and hard to be consistent. My face would often betray me, sometimes causing me to go on a downward spiral because I didn’t know how to act and how to speak. How to be a person.

This time feels differently; it emanates from deep inside my body and radiates out through my entire being. My brain isn’t leading anymore, my body is. My mind and mouth began to effortlessly convey the peace and calm I felt within, whatever the external stress I would find myself in. It’s as if my code has started to shift, and I naturally presented myself in a slightly altered manner, unconsciously. It was purely a representation of who I had become and what was happening inside me, although I don’t think I knew it at the time.

First time it happened it took me by surprise. I was witnessing Panda shout and ridicule me with one of his favourite questions, Who talks like that? A couple of months ago these words raised all the alarms in me and I was making conscious efforts to respond in a calm manner to de-escalate, but my face would betray me every time. I would feel ashamed of what I’ve expressed and at the same time, angry that he couldn’t understand what I was saying. This time, same question, and I resembled the ocean on a tranquil summer day. It took me a moment to realise what was happening in my body. I was calm and firmly grounded. My body was peaceful, my face relaxed, my eyes soft. Nothing arised in me. I felt no shame, no anger. Just me, fully owning what I was thinking, feeling, and observing with a sad heart, realizing that the man I've had by my side for over a decade was not able to ever hear me. 

I do. I talk like that. I replied. In that rare moment, I witnessed his eyes briefly lose their light, and I observed his mind tirelessly scanning, searching for a response. He did not have one. For a fleeting second I saw fear on his face. The fear of lacking a contra argument, the fear of appearing inferior and weak. The fear of me discovering his shame and guilt. I saw the child in him, and all I wanted to do was to hug him deeply. In that fleeting second, I loved him more than ever. I wanted to show it to him, to support him, to keep walking together on this vulnerable path. But the shutters came down and picked something else to ridicule me about.

A week later I landed in Bucharest. My parents picked me up from the airport in the middle of the night, and during the entire journey home, I unloaded everything that had happened over the last nine months. I had a strange feeling of comfort around them, one I never had before. I didn’t know if it was because they seemed to truly listen and validate what I was feeling, something I haven’t experienced lately, or I have truly healed the wounds I had when it came to them. Either way, the energy felt different this time.

My home felt like a home for the first time in my life.

Panda, 30th August, 2023

It's the height of summer, and I find myself nestled in my childhood bed, listening to the refreshing rain and booming thunder shaking the trees outside my window. TikTok told me that tonight is a rare blue moon, but, of course, it's this very night when the sky is shrouded in thick clouds and the rain pours relentlessly. I can’t stop laughing at the irony.

I’m happy it rains though. I've been in Romania for two weeks, enduring scorching weather. Rain is very much welcome, although it could have waited a day.

I find myself back in the place I grew up, almost two decades after I’ve left my home, my town, my country. A place I’ve never felt like I belonged and where I never thought I’d come back and stay longer than a week, two max.

I try to quiet my mind and let this summer night and the cozy, refreshing rain settle some peace in me so I can explore what’s happening inside. I’ve been avoiding it for weeks. The rain seems like the perfect companion.

I’m suddenly startled. I laugh and go to the window. That’s how I know I’m grown! I'm no longer afraid of thunder that seems capable of bulldozing everything in its path.

Panda said I changed and that’s why I left. He said he no longer recognises me and my cold attitude.

In his defense, he was always like a black hole. Just like the rules of physics never apply around one, neither did the rules of human interactions and communication apply around him.

I don’t think I have fundamentally changed but I do think I have found my way back to me. I lived so many versions of myself over the years, so many extremes and trialed so many ways to make people like, love, and appreciate me. I’ve been so loud and distracting for so long, never standing still for anyone to so see me, that people forgot I’m an actual warm blooded person and things affect me deeply. It all imploded and my whole life’s foundation was shattered.

Before I knew it, I reached a point where I no longer knew what my life was, what I was, what was I doing, and what was happening inside my head and chest. It was a whirlwind of storms and thunders, much like the one happening outside right now. Back then, I was still paralyzed by fear, it never allowed me to be still or let me breathe or think. My world was in darkness. I was simply a spectator, observing myself talk and move around. I became terrified I would jump off a cliff or hang myself off the living room beams. I was paralysed with the thought that I would forever stay disconnected, that I felt nothing, yet I didn’t realise that I was actually feeling something - partalysing fear.

Panda helped me crawl out of the dark hole of fear just enough to catch a little bit of hope that what I am feeling is not unique to me, therefore there is hope to be better. He helped me see that I’m not alone, people feel anxious and it’s only just temporary. It was a big shock to me since all my life I thought I was alone in the way I think, the way I see the world and how I experience it.

Everything I would instinctively do or say would be automatically rejected, punished or mocked by pretty much everyone around. I ended up wishing so much to become “normal”, that when one person would match my energy I would automatically think there was something wrong with them because they liked me. I would then run away. At this point I didn’t care if what Panda said was true or not, it was enough to allow me to take another deep breath of air and fuel my fearful ambition of getting better.

A little bit of therapy helped unlock a hidden treasure in my head. Narcissism. Who knew I was raised by one? When you hear stories that seem like they are copied from your own life, things no one knew about, but you hear them from someone else, the sense of loneliness slowly disappears. It was refreshing to discover that there was never anything wrong with me or my vibe. Instead, it was a combination of a deeply toxic culture conditioned by religion and control, along with the people in it. Despite their well-intentioned end goals, they move mindlessly through life, inadvertently creating wounds on each other. I was born in that cycle.

Little by little I started to see that every aspect of my brain and soul I thought had to be hidden because it was not “right” was indeed my greatest trait, the thing that allows me to truthfully connect with people, find meaning in my life and honestly love all parts of myself and others. It was and still is, the most courageous and profound action I have ever taken. I went from crying in my bathtub because 'I have no one and feel nothing,' to looking forward to seeing my beautiful friend, Leopard.

Despite having been friends for years, we never truly talked until recently, connecting deeply through our vulnerability and shared experiences we never knew about. I started to get out of the house, have the courage to try new things, write new things, travel places, meet new people, and feel joy and excitement. I went dancing for the first time in 12 years and I felt like myself again. I started to feel beautiful, and confident, like I brought value to the lives of the ones around me.

When your soul has the courage to unconsciously invite such a pivotal moment in your life, your relationship also has the opportunity to upgrade. You now have the insights on how you showed up over the years and now you can, slowly and with deep love and compassion present the more authentic, magnetic you to your relationship.

Sometimes, if you don’t grow together you speak different languages. A marriage can end in the blink of an eye when people are afraid and angry.

And so, you find yourself back in your childhood bedroom whilst you wait for the keys to your new home.

You found the courage to show up as yourself and he accused you of being a victim of toxic positivity and self-help books.

You suggested taking some time apart to think and reflect about how to fix the relationship and he asked for your engagement ring back.

You decided to give back his pain, he decided to ask you to leave your home.

And yet, you are calm, you are at peace. You don’t fully know what will happen, but you know you will be okay. You remember who you are and you take care of yourself. You have become who you needed when you were little.

You no longer plan your next step, you no longer need to make sure you know what you gonna say before you have to say it. You now just show up, listen, and act when you feel ready.

You no longer have the urgency to get everything right now, to say everything right this second. You now let yourself build space because you know the right decision, the right thing will come to you when you are still, and you just breathe. You are now aware that you always know.

And as if the universe thought you needed one more deep hug to truly feel and understand that there was never anything wrong with you, it unveils the oldest memory stored in your body. The one who made you burn on the inside whilst making you feel safe. The one who felt too intense to face before, so you ran away. The one who matched your energy but you were a self-hating self-lover, so your mind pushed it deep down, never think of it again. The very same one who you thought was the most beautiful face in the world and you knew there was no way your face could be a match.

You uncover you have lived the same life, the same people, the same challenges and pain at opposite ends of the planet. Mad coincidences and synchronicities begin to feel like this was all planned, like someone is playing a prank on you both. You uncover a deep soul connection. The one you unknowingly wrote about three years prior, when you were numb and stoned.

It’s almost like the universe knows how fast I process information, how quick I am to learn, and how hard I can work, so it sped it all up for me. For the outside world, it might seem suspicious and hard to believe but in my world, in my knowing, it’s beautiful, complex and true.

You are the first thing I didn’t have to make it fit, you just aligned with my being.

Is it me? Is it you? Is it the journey?

One thing is certain, it started with love.

It started with me.