top of page

The Big Boss

Everyone sees the fire, I see the burning logs.

I’ve spent my life being a self-hating self-lover.


From

"I’m not pretty enough to be this different."


To

I" love what I have to offer, I just don’t think anyone needs it"


Pivoted To

"I am, and I’m in love with that."


And finally to

I"'’m excited to see what form my fire can take."



What I came to find out was this:

Truly and wholeheartedly diving into the pits of hell, having dinner and drinks with your villains, demons, and darkness, befriending them and giving them what they’ve always lacked - force-feeding them all the love they never felt - so that all the fear, shame, guilt, despair, anxiety, depression, self-hate, self-judgment, fear of not being good enough, and fear of running out of time can finally transform back into the bright light you’ve always known was within you …


That’s just the pre-game, baby.


It’s the training montage before facing Apollo.


It’s is the wax on, wax off phase but with a few more bruises.


It’s getting sweet tan to feel cute before you enter to the endgame.





On the road to self awareness you “battle” with your shadows and demons - the triggers, the beliefs and opinions you have spent a lifetime accepting from others, consciously or not.


The ones that altered who you are at the core.


You work through them, understand where they come from, assess whether or not you agree, and then let them go (the pre-req is learning that you’re allowed to decide what’s true for you and what’s not, but thats a whole other thing).


That’s been my process.


But there comes a point when you’ve dealt with most of the major shadows (not enough, unworthy, shame, cringe, you know, the usual suspects), you’ve dropped all the shit that wasn’t yours to carry, and yet, there’s still something that keeps you stuck.


You get pumped, knowing you can now embrace your true, authentic self and explore what you're capable of becoming. You feel the excitement and eagerness to finally be able to dive into the pool of joy and freedom.


And you are.


You are just about to leap


.. any second now ..





Confused and maybe even a bit depressed, you wonder why, after doing all the work, you can’t just move forward and live the way you’ve always wanted. You’ve tasted what it feels like to step into your potential, and it felt amazing. So why, when there are finally no more external obstacles, does something still hold you back from fully jumping into the life you know is yours to create?


And so, you go through it over and over again, and intellectually, it all makes sense. You know what the problem is, the meaning behind it all, where it’s coming from, and how it no longer affects you. You know what to do, you’ve already let it go ... and yet, there’s still something that keeps holding you back from making that change.


The change you wanted to make at the very start of this journey.


The reason why you embarked on this journey in the first place, willingly or not. It’s like a little (not-so-sexy) handcuff, anchoring you to a place you no longer want to be.



I came to discover that when there are no more external forces to alchemise, no more distractions or new triggers to work through, only then does the ultimate boss reveal itself. This is the one you need to fall in love with in order to level up. The one you've been preparing for in the pits of hell.


In fact, the villains you’ve fought up until now are the ones who created the Big Boss. Their fear and judgmental beliefs weren’t just things you fought against, they were the things you unconsciously absorbed and made a part of you. You assimilated them, shaped yourself around their views, until you became the very thing you were trying to overcome. You’ve dealt with their beliefs.


But now, you face a new challenge: overcoming, nah, loving the version of yourself they created - the overly self-judgemental, self-critical, fearful to step out of line and fully be the odd one out.


It’s not about what others think, what they might say, or whether they abandon or mock you - you no longer care about any of that.



And so, you finally meet the Big Boss.

It’s you, boo.


It’s what you think.


It’s that little mocking voice inside your head, you can barely hear sometimes.


It’s the parts of yourself you find shameful, cringe-worthy or worthless.


It’s the residue that went unnoticed, quietly settling deep within your being.


Your own deep-seated judgment and beliefs weren't fully revealed when you were dealing with the triggers from the outside world; All those subtle feelings of unworthiness, intricately woven into your DNA. I call mine the Culex 3D - Super Mario’s secret optional boss. A bitch to defeat.


And now it’s time for the big finale. You come face to face with you. Your personal Culex 3D.


And it will be the toughest dance of taming of the beast because you have been your biggest bully.


You’ve healed the parts of yourself that were reflecting the outside world, and you’ve done a great job. But now, you have to remove all traces of beliefs that don't belong to you.


But from here on, you are truly free because you get to use your magic to create, not to defend.


You get to create new beliefs, new habits, new ways of existing, new patterns - all in line with who you want to be.


Who you know you are.


And you won’t be afraid of change, you’ll be excited for it.




Culex 3Ds Everywhere

Each of us act as villains for others. Through our own pain and fear, we contribute to someone else’s Big Boss. But when we fall in love and integrate our own Culex 3D, the number of villains left to confront begins to diminish, until there are almost none at all.


And when you take a moment to sit down and look behind you, you’ll realise that the pit of hell was actually the Batcave - a sanctuary equipping you with all the tools you needed to fully and wholeheartedly see yourself.


It taught you to take your own hand and walk alongside every version of yourself who was denied love, care, understanding, and time. Every single version of you who was rejected, ignored, misunderstood, abandoned, eyed rolled at.


For so long, you’ve been on the outside looking in, believing it was your responsibility to mould yourself into someone who blended in, someone who was just like everyone else, no matter how much it went against your nature. But the truth is, that’s your superpower.


A superpower everyone possesses, but not everyone is willing to recognise.


Life begins to get good when it’s you against the version of yourself you no longer want to be.


Truly.


And while you might think it’s just one battle you’ll fight and move on, something else will always arise.


The real journey, as I see it, is about loving and integrating the version of you that keeps you trapped in fear, guilt, shame or unworthiness.


And even though it’s never-ending, it’s exhilarating. You begin to play. To see what you can do. To discover what life can become.


The way I see it I got a sweet tan and a great story to tell!


So you tell me, how is this not winning?



16 views0 comments

Comments


Talk to Me Goose

Logo.png
bottom of page