Not too long ago there was a time where I couldn’t look at myself, hear myself or even acknowledge my own being.
I didn’t know how to speak, how to look or dress. Part of me wanted to pick up and embrace all the stuff that made me happy, while the other part convinced me not to - because I’d stand out, be seen too much, heard too loudly and stray too far from the group.
I had to find alternative ways to behave because my natural self wasn’t an option.
And while this was reinforced by my environment, it wasn’t enforced to begin with. No one forced me to act this way, it was something I complied with out of fear. Fear of being too much or not enough. Fear of being mocked, judged, or abandoned.
And I think that’s why we’re more vocal about starting to see how we create our own circumstances, consciously or not. We begin to see that we have been making choices that don’t fully align with who we are because of the beliefs that have been instilled in us by our families, communities, cultures, and so on. And we grow up perpetuating those beliefs. Those choices create patterns, circumstances, relationships, and situations that aren’t fully aligned with who we are.
And so far, the solution to this discomfort has always been looking outward: to blame, to ask for love, to demand justice and to wait for forgiveness.
I’ve been thought of as being naive, delusional, not living in the “real world”.
I’ve been accused of not really knowing what suffering or loss is - that’s why I’m so bright and happy and always see the good in people.
We have built a world where our pain and hardship are measured purely by our state of being and how deeply they sink us into darkness. The lower we fall in sadness, anxiety, depression and everything in between, the more serious the circumstances seem. The brighter we are, the more privileged our lives appear.
And that’s a type of avoidance. We don’t like being challenged, especially when we’re struggling.
And I know that because I lived there for decades. Whenever I was struggling whenever I heard anything along the lines of “How do you think you have created this situation” I would go in defense mode. What I truly heard was “You deserve what you’re going through because you created it”, spoken by someone who had never endured the kind of suffering I had. It made it easy for me to avoid the issues and buried me deeper into fear.
But over time, I’ve realised that the question, isn’t about blame or judgment. It’s meant to help me reframe how I see myself and the situation. Because if I created it, almost always unconsciously, it means nothing is happening to me. No one and no thing has power over me.
If I approach situations, no matter how difficult or frustrating with the curiosity of someone wanting to understand how they’ve created something, then the power shifts back to me. It means I have the ability to change what I don’t prefer into something I do.
I think we’re all moving toward this mindset, and we’re definitely making progress. We’ve come as far as gaining awareness, awareness of how and why we feel or act a certain way, and of where it’s coming from. But for the most part, we’re stopping there. We use this awareness to bond and understand each other, and that’s beautiful.
But we need to go further.
We need to shift from bonding through our pain to bonding through the creative ways we empower ourselves.
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