I've been lonely my whole life

I’ve been lonely my whole life. I’ve been around people, so many people and yet, I’ve been lonely.

At times I would feel something, some of my fire, before I was old enough to control it. At times I was comfortable enough to give a glimpse of the spark inside me. It was never embraced.

And so, I’ve been lonely my whole life. Playing different parts, wearing different hats, going from one extreme to the other, in my desperate quest for a place, for a home.

I’ve changed worlds and cultures. The results have been different, but never in my favour.

Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you ~ CARL JUNG

I’ve had a lifetime of disguises. I’ve been the cool chick, the heartless one, the over dramatic one, the needy one, the sexy one, the understanding one, the loyal, the mistress, the wife, the friend, the long distance girlfriend, the Christian daughter, the obedient child and the rebellious teen. I’ve been the “real me”, the teacher, the saviour, the mysterious new acquaintance, the confident woman, the classy one, the one who swears just to be cool, the edgy one and the arrogant one. I’ve been the business woman and the theatre chick who wears pyjamas in public. I’ve been all these people and I committed to the role, fully. More so, I became the role.

I’ve been around people my whole life and so, I’ve been lonely my whole life.

Suddenly, everyone vanished and they took my loneliness with them.

Everyone I knew had disappeared and I’ve never felt more connected.

I’ve spent my life in disguise out of fear of being abandoned.

Loneliness has left my life the second their absence forced me to see myself and keep eye contact. It disappeared the second I held my own hand and explored my own being. Honestly, this time.

I felt lost my whole life around people, but the moment they were gone, I found my home.

I spent a lifetime unseen, but in the quiet after they left, I finally saw myself.

I’ve excelled at playing human. Pretending to fit in, taking on everyone’s hues, buying people’s love with things and over giving. Sacrificing my soul so I become part of the group, belong to this world, be in on the joke. I did it till I became a shell, my soul numb inside, drowning. I did it until my soul shook me from inside, until I crumbled to the ground and died.

I’ve been lonely my whole life around people and now they’re gone, I am whole because I now I know loneliness is the product of my self abandonment.

Love comes in many forms, it's unconditional and unlimited, and theirs led me to myself.