Unstrung

He reminded me of my great aunt.

As a kid I used to sit next to her for hours, listening to her stories.

It was the only place I felt safe and at peace.

My childhood and my mind were chaotic; I always felt like a tornado inside.

I looked forward to the days at the farmhouse, excited to be around her.

I would lie next to her on the bed, her arms resting peacefully as she told me stories of her youth and the world as she remembered it.

Thirty years later, that’s the only feeling I can still channel in my body - that serene excitement.

Her soothing voice, her calm essence, the safety in her energy taught me the shape of safety, though I didn’t yet know the word.

That’s how I felt, listening to him speak - the calm weight of his voice anchoring me back in that forgotten safety.

That was the test the universe sent me.

A human whose looks I would normally shy away from; my body on autopilot, moving fast, acting loud and distracting.

That’s how I know I passed the test - not that there was a test to pass in the first place, only the imaginary one my ego requested to prove I have indeed fallen in love with myself: truly, fully and wholeheartedly.

He brought up in me the peace and stillness I had forgotten I can be around people.

The secret shared.

The stillness in the midst of chaos.

The syncing underneath time.

The held gazes.

The shy ones.

The stolen ones.

The ones I felt all around me, following me around the room.

And the gaze that ran away when noticed but instantly returned.

The expressions that bloomed on our faces without instruction, as if awakened from a long sleep within us - and we received them like gifts - surprised and quietly delighted.

Even though he was only a fraction of the Kael archetype.

Even though he was here for a mere second.

Present and disappearing.

Ready, yet held back.

He was in the world and out of it all at once.

As if looking for a place to set down his trembling openness - for a moment that felt vulnerable, if only for a heartbeat of being wholly seen.

It was a mere second where I saw my own light reflected back at me in its truest form.

I felt own presence in another soul.

And I instantly realised - I wasn’t scared of me no more.

For lifetimes I’d been running from stillness,

from allowing myself to be seen.

Always fast, always distracting.

Hiding in plain sight.

Never to be found.

Never to be felt for who I truly am - not even by me.

And so, on a random weekend, I finally stopped and opened my eyes.

Kept them focused.

They were light and still.

My mind welcomed his whole being instead of thinking about how ridiculous my face looked.

My soul opened to recognise his.

And in that moment, I realised:

I am finally at home.

In my body.

In my soul.

In the fire that lives under my ribs.

And I am never leaving.