Anya is dead. The version of me from last decade, last year, last month doesn’t exist anymore. She has recently passed away.
Anya was putting everyone above her, assimilating every action and emotion thrown her way, over giving in her fear to seem cold, carelesss, incapable of love, hurt and abandon people. And by trying to not be these things for everyone else, I ended up being them for myself.
I used to think that if someone wanted me or showed any kind of interest, romantic, friendship or professional I would always owe them. I was afraid to disappoint because I never wanted them to regret showing any kind of feelings or intentions. I was afraid of doing something to make them think they have made a mistake taking a chance on me, therefore abandoning me. And if by chance they would say the words “I believe in you”, it was game over.
And so, even with Dragon, after everything that happened, a part of me was still leaving the door ajar, in case he would finally see me and my value and would want to come back. I knew deep down that even if that happened, it would cause a battle in me and, in the end, I wouldn’t accept him, but during those early months, I ignored the me I knew I was at the core and only focused on the yearning, but I dressed in shallow hyperindependce and emotional maturity.
The truth is, back then, I haven’t yet reached the depths of my own being and understanding. I’m pretty sure I still haven’t, but I’m further today than I was last year. I used to think there was clear cut, I either cared or abandoned and there was no in between, no space for my own interpretation of the situation that would both offer compassion for the other person but also respect for my own needs and feelings; caring for them and stay firm within the boundaries I needed. Compassion for them and self worth for me.
And with Panda, I guess I ended up feeling a bit superior. And I’m sure it came across as such, again, through my not-so-fully loving and understanding myself. The feelings of superiority only came during our post breakup few chats and texts. I know they had because I was fully aware of it and trying my best to suppress them, because I didn’t like that part of me and I never wanted it to dominate my energy towards him.
I now know that part came out because I was angry. I was incredibly angry at how he treated me, even though I knew the reasons behind it and I had true sadness for them. I never wanted him to struggle, to feel threatened, unsafe, unhappy, attacked and so on. And I’ve never wanted me to be the cause of that. But, the injustice I felt at the end, made part of me angry for being abandoned overnight after 13 years. And so, I think it came out as superior because “I can see behind the wall and he can’t”.
It was as if I needed some sort of vindication so I don’t feel the shame of being abandoned and since there was no one else around, I gave it to myself and made sure he fucking knew about it. Not cool.
I also now know that the solution has never been to try and suppress the feeling of superiority, but to embrace it, understand it, love it and let it go. That process would have helped me understand sooner that his behaviour had nothing to do with me. I already knew that he doesn’t owe me anything for everything I have put in the relationship, whether he’s seen it or not, but I guess a little version of me did feel a deep sense of injustice when the person I have given myself to and the relationship I had put all my energy towards, completely and suddenly turned his back on me.
The easy route would have been to blame him, the situation, or the circumstances but the truth is, I have co created those moments. All of them. My deep seeded desire to make myself valuable, to show my worth, to bend, to accommodate, but in a sassy way so no one can see it or tell what I’m doing because that’s what weak people do, has brought me in this very moment, where the boy I have been fighting for for the last nine months has told me that “well, you said you have somewhere to go, so you can go” as a response to how our separation would work.
Only when I have found the part of me and understood why it felt so betrayed, what was it that made me so incredibly kicked to the curbe and angry at his ignorance and ego, I could really let it go.
It came one night. A few weeks ago.
This feeling of love, true compassion and deep understanding I felt for Panda, Dragon, the friends and the family that I left behind. It assimilated the feeling of anger and betrayal I felt up until that moment.
It felt as if I have became this more colourful person and the fainted colours I was before are not visible anymore. They’re still there, underneath the now more vibrant shades, but I don’t feel them anymore. I know them, I remember them, what they look and feel like, but they are not grasping at my heart anymore. They have nothing to do with me and how I feel about myself anymore.
I feel as if I have extracted all the wisdom, all the detail and intricacies of human interactions when various wounds in people clash. I feel as if I’ve extracted the feelings of shame, anger, hurt, superiority, abandonment, injustice, over giving, passion and lust and sort of alchemised it all to create the new, vibrant colourful person I now feel I am. Almost like a picture of the sea at sunset, full of a million shades of pinks and blues. One that will continue to become more and more vibrant until the sun sets for good.
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