📘 The Spaces in Between
Journal written in March 2021, part of debut narrative The Spaces in Between
Sometimes I think I have skipped the fundamentals of life. It feels as though I never learned the basics that everyone else knows, and I've jumped straight into the more complex parts.
When I say "Yes" to someone, it feels like I'm signing a lifelong contract. It's as if I'm agreeing to something forever, without the freedom to rethink, grow or change. I can’t reevaluate, I can’t all of a sudden question things I never questioned before. I owe them the version of myself that has said Yes at the beginning.
When I’m next to someone or in a relationship I find it hard to know myself, what I truly think and want on a deeply personal level. I need to learn how to resurrect that voice.
I think I can do it if I remind myself to build space, put actual words to what I feel, and express them, no matter the consequences. I still can’t do it with Panda, and it’s killing me.
I've always felt responsible for other people. At some level, I believe that if I change in a relationship, I'm wrong and deceitful because it's not what the other person signed up for. The alternative is no better because I cannot ignore my fire anymore. And I don't want to leave Panda either. It's as if my brain can't fathom a world where someone can change and be allowed to do so within a relationship, and the other person welcomes it.
On a broader scale, I often feel a heavy burden of responsibility when I'm the one who initiates something, whether it's with friends or family. I feel fully responsible for the success and ensuring they are having a good time, because I initiated it.
I would go against my gut and what I think is right because I don't want them to have a bad time or live a bad life on my watch. I diminish my opinion, my worth, my way because I have this compulsion to over-give so they don't hate me or leave me.
Is this the people pleasing behaviour no one talks about?
Looking back, I used to find it difficult to feel excited or comfortable when someone I was into expressed their need or desire for me. I feared that if their preferences didn’t match mine, I'd have to give up who I was or what I wanted to fit theirs, otherwise, they would leave me.
In the rare situation where someone I cared about was also interested in me, I was afraid that if I was my true self all of the time, had different needs, or was too far away from them, they would leave me without an explanation. As a result, I have this subconscious compulsion to diminish or completely hide my fire so I am not too much or come across as too intense and risk them leaving me.
After my many smoking and listening to music evenings, I have carved a way deep in my mind and reached the point where all this originated.
I now know this comes from the years before leaving the country I was born in, where I was never accepted or needed.
I've never understood what I was doing to drive people away, or why they mocked, bullied, or even hated me. My behavior changed over time, and my brain took over to protect me, to the point where it no longer allowed me to be my true self. It's been deceptively clever in this regard, giving me tiny bits of myself, just enough to fool me into thinking I'm still the real me at the core, that I'm still acting and making choices in alignment with my true self, when in reality it has numbed me from the inside out. Until now, my sneaky brain has been successful in maintaining the illusion of authenticity.
And yet, my brain is my most precious possession. Maybe it’s time to convince it to let me out of the conservatorship.
As an adult, I think I have lived in a constant battle of rebellion and guilt. How do I un-numb and go through this thick wall so I can see the "me" I feel deep down?
Do I have to let go of the fear that people will leave me once they get to see how I truly am, how I truly think and how I truly see the world? This feeling of “it” is so deep, so fine, so well hidden and complex that I don’t know what form it will take. It’s been over a decade since I thought about it and since then I have maintained this loud, distracting behavior where I have chosen to be this exaggerated version of myself, often shallow, that would do and say things for the shock factor.
They can’t see you if you distract them, and they can’t leave you if you outrage them all the time, right? They keep coming back for more.
This is the coping mechanism that has worked for me since my teens and now I am beginning to see the real damage it has caused. Although I appear strong, loud, and outspoken to those around me, they are unaware of the depth of my thoughts, my inner war and what I am trying to find within myself.
This doesn't particularly bother me, I’m good most of the time, although sometimes I feel the need to say things out loud, to talk to someone. If I told anyone about this, they would have a hard time believing me or taking me seriously because it is so far removed from who I seem to be. I have not faked any of that “extravagant” energy, but rather created it to conceal the scared child inside me who fears that if she is fundamentally different from those around her, they will all leave.
I have come to the realization that my behavior has given people the impression of vulnerability. I seem open and appear careless about what I consider to be shallow things. I also entertain people by mocking myself, sometimes in the darkest way I can.
I genuinely think they stick around just to have something different in the room. I have not had the courage to stand up for who I am at my core and follow my soul. I’m afraid the moment I stand still, vocalise my gut and look people in the eye they will all disappear. They all had so far. There hasn’t been one instance where I have been in my natural state and someone liked me or wanted to be with me. And I am definitely not pretty enough to be this different.
The choice I'm facing is whether to continue searching for my "it" and the form my fire will take, with the possibility of spending the rest of my life alone, or to keep it barely burning, controlling the heat, but keeping some people around me.
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