He Is Someone: A Love Letter to the Truth

This is what it feels like to love someone who can’t meet you there. It’s not hate—it’s heartbreak.

Panda, July 2022

The Painful Truths

He is someone who tells me to leave my home instead of working out together how our separation will work.

He is someone who becomes petty and unkind when things are not going his way. The love and respect and the people we know we are, do not count at the end.

He is someone who, if he doesn’t get his way or is in an uncomfortable situation, would attack and be hurtful and never, even when the seas have calmed down, would acknowledge or express any kind of kindness or regret over things he said.

He is someone who encourages a person to do something consistently, for months, sometimes years, and when they finally do, he attacks and lashes out.

He is someone who tells me he doesn't want kids to agree with me but tells others he does and denies it when I ask.

He is someone who would encourage me to follow my dreams and then complain I don’t want to spend any time with him or that I’m planning things that don’t involve him.

He is someone who encouraged me to dream and resented me when I did.

He is someone whose default is to deeply attack someone personally when a situation is unpleasant. He would ridicule the way they talk and how they think instead of hearing what they’re saying.

He is someone who keeps score in a relationship and brings it up in challenging moments.

He is someone who would make it about him when someone expresses a feeling or need.

He is someone who has valid reasons to function the way he does but the inability to see how his default behavior crushes the other person.

I always said I never wanted to come down to having to choose between saving him or saving me, because I will always have to save me.

The Things I’ll Still Miss

He is also, someone who would buy me sparkling water because I love sparkling water and I never remember to buy it.

He is also, someone who would watch all 80s and 90s actions films with me.

He is also, someone who would teach me about comedy and good music.

He is also, someone who would sit in my farts and laugh about it with me.

He is also, someone who would allow me to take two-thirds of the bed because I simply have to stretch out my hips.

He is also, someone who would cook when I can’t be arsed.

He is also, someone who would spoon me and tell me I’m his favorite.

He is also, someone who would encourage me to pursue whatever new hobby I now have this week.

He is also, someone who teaches and explains politics to me.

He is also, someone who used to challenge me when I would make mindless statements about social, economic and issues.

He is also, someone who would tell me “We can do whatever we want” whenever I would freak out that I’m not “on the right path.”

He is also, someone who would tell me “It will not last forever” when I had my first anxiety attack.

He is also, someone who wanted to be with me when no one in this world ever did.

I have put all my energy into avoiding coming down to either saving him or saving me.

We are here now.

I now know who he is when his back is against the wall.

Love is not always safe. And safety is not always love.

He taught me who I never want to be again.

---

🖊 Author’s Note:

Written in the thick of it. Read with hindsight.

📖 This blog is part of The Awakening thread within The Becoming Diaries - a series of journals written during one of the most transformative periods of my life. It documents a five-year period in my life that began with a panic attack and unfolded into a full awakening.

🔍 These entries were created in real-time or in reflection, capturing the raw middle of waking up to myself. They document the unraveling of a life I had carefully constructed and the truths I could no longer unsee.

💭 These entries capture what I didn’t know I was learning while I was living it. They hold the raw, unedited stages of my homecoming - the numbness, the chasing, the people-pleasing and the illusions I couldn’t yet name.

🌊 Most importantly, these journals reflect every stage of awareness I have experienced - from confusion to clarity, from survival to truth, from numbness to sovereignty. They show how consciousness expands, slowly and painfully at times, through lived experience.

🪞 This isn’t a how-to. It’s not a before-and-after.

🌱 It’s the honest middle.