I believe women are fuelled by shame and men are fuelled by fear. Both come from a lack of love.
I was raised on something I call narcissistic empathy. “How do you think this makes me feel?” or “How do you think this makes me look?” were the only questions asked in my childhood home, and I would better have a fucking answer. As a child, it was too painful and scary to think about how my words and actions affected others because they only seemed to bring anger, mocking words, and the occasional mother’s crocodile tears.
It was overwhelming for me to think how, only by my mere existence, by expressing my brain and heart to the world, I would get either shouted at, mocked, punished, or often given the silent treatment. When I think back on the years I spent growing up at home, I mostly remember the times when I would disagree and passionately explain myself until I would get red in the face, because I knew that what was repeated back to me was not what came out of my mouth. During those years, it was I who was fully responsible for the fights, anger and upset I caused my mother. I felt confused and angry because I didn't know what I was doing that was so outrageous to unleash such negative energy and cause so much upset.
I’m sure there have been good and happy moments, and I am often blamed for not remembering them, only recalling the negative ones. I used to feel ashamed and responsible for making her feel shitty about herself. But then, I remembered that I never intended to make anyone feel like shit, so, as an adult, I sought to understand why I only remembered the bad things about her.
It turns out that the moments my little brain found upsetting were deeply personal, where her anger was targeted at my authentic way of being, my natural state. I was treated like I was the threat, the one who would destroy someone's world or idea of what life should be. Since there was never any explanation or guidance as to why what I was doing or saying was so damn bad, these experiences left the deepest impressions on my brain and body, which showed up in many different ways over the course of my life. And since these moments were both frequent and unpredictable, every interaction I had with her would start with me being ready to defend myself and argue my case. Eventually, I started to feel like I didn't know how to be a human.
Arian Samouie is much more eloquent in talking about disagreement and it only takes him 3 minutes.
When you are met with this kind of emotional immaturity from the people who have the most impact on your life, your behavior changes, and it expands outside the doors of your home and out in the world. At school, with your friends, extended family, and so on. Your brain adapts, learns fast, and even takes things away in its battle to protect you. And so, you build a personality on this slightly traumatic foundation and you grow up to realise that you lack human connection. Until you know the reasons why, you kinda live in a numb state where everything you do comes from the battle to avoid shame, and every action comes from fear and not your natural energy state.
If you are lucky you eventually find a breath of fresh air, a new perspective, a new culture, a new person who sparks that inner journey of self-discovery and something incredible happens. You find this power within you, this pump for life that you always knew was part of you, but it was never safe to be allowed at the surface. You now have the ability to understand the past and gives you permission to fully embrace your uniqueness, your quirks and badassery.
OK, backstory done.
But this storytime is not to detail all the ins and outs of the happenings in my life but to share how I discovered how complex a situation, a life, a person can be. How everything is truly connected and we, as a society, tend focus only on the outcome.
We judge, punish or celebrate the end result and we never really interested in the "why".
With me, it started the moment I opened my eyes and mind for the first time. You know, that kind of feeling of thirst you get when you feel that something is not right within you and you finally find the bravery to be curious about it. You take time and analyze, take steps back in your head and try to find the reason why you acted in a certain way, or why a situation made your stomach hurt. It opens up a new world of memories, where more people are present and have all left their imprint on you.
In my case, I believe it was an ecosystem.
My dad spent his entire life making me tough and my mum spent hers trying to stop him.
My mum was raised in an abusive home and it becomes even more complex when you add the external layer of cultural conditioning and brainwashing that has taken place. As a middle child, she has not only received abuse from inside her home but outside too. She never had that new perspective, the breath of fresh air I had, so she continued to survive the best way she knew how. My dad was the one who would show me more affection, ask me questions and listen to what I had to say. He was the one who encouraged me to follow my instincts and chase my dreams. Who I am today started with him.
I used to brush off the things that happened either as normal (because they really were the norm where I grew up, and I actually had it easy) or be convinced that it was my fault for provoking and bringing this volcanic behavior out of her. When I started thinking and talking about it, I realised the situation was much darker and more complex. My first instinct was to blame, to be angry, to resent but then, I realised that this thoughtless reaction was part of the trauma. Then, a sense of calm took over me and started to go deeper.
Gabor Mate changed the game as he put a deep emphasis on the cultural conditioning and its effect it has on life, in 30 seconds or less
I came to the conclusion that, as adults, in order to find peace and be confident in our own being and powers, we should invest some energy into understanding the origins of other people’s behaviour. When we have the privilege to gain a different perspective, to identify the things that make us sad, anxious or angry and have the strength to deal with them, we should allocate some of the work towards finding compassion for the parents or caregivers who were responsible.
For me, seeing the cause of certain behaviours is an important chapter in my self-discovery and healing process. I feel that modern society values the “or” and not the "and” (Gary Vee said it first!). Developing empathy for our caretakers doesn’t mean that we accept their actions or that the damage isn't real. Rather, it means that we build and strengthen our emotional intelligence to not only serve us but to also observe the bigger picture, and the destructive patterns of societal evolution, and use this power to break the cycle. Through compassion, we can not only heal our inner wounds, but we can also add some good into the world, we can help people let go of the shame and fear they shouldn’t have in the first place, slowly changing behaviour patterns.
Maybe this will make a parent feel less defensive when an adult child shares how events in their childhood created trauma, maybe it makes them more comfortable and willing to work through it, accept it and learn from it. It may also give them the opportunity to build a new type of relationship with their grandchildren if given the chance. When we find wrong, it's important to understand where that wrong comes from, what are the factors and address those issues first. Only focusing on the end result may not always deliver the peace and connection we all crave.
Yes, part of me feels extra guilty for sharing and worries that if she reads this, she will be heartbroken. Mostly because I know that she won't be able to truly see the full, rounded picture and only focus on the negative. This makes me incredibly sad and so hard to let myself feel any love for her. But at the same time, I think seeing the patterns and openly talking about the complexity of a delicate and personal situation it takes away its power, its tough grasp on our heart and mind, making it less daunting and easier to deal with.
I believe that no one does anything to purposely hurt or damage the character of another human being. Everything we do is influenced by the beliefs instilled in us by those who came before us. These beliefs can manifest as love, shame, or fear. Our values are shaped by our culture. My mother's behavior was, and still is driven by shame. Her narcissistic characteristics, her insecurity are all shame related. That shame came from her own upbringing, from her mother, from the culture, and that came from her mother’s mother and so on. The way she treated me was carved in my DNA and is as real as it gets, but equally it’s important to acknowledge that she thought she was acting out of love. Two things can be true at the same time.
Her lack of exposure to positive influences led her to genuinely think that her actions and emotions were based on love. She simply had to spend all her time to mould and make me fit in the box she thought life was, otherwise she would have failed as a human. Of course, life and circumstance are complex and yes, there is a moment where personal responsibility and empathy should come in. It’s a natural train of thought for many of us. However, it’s easier for those of us who had seen another way to validate our values and our instinct. Sadly not as accessible for those in a close circuit, ex-communist cultures, ruled by the church. It took me over a decade to finally see it.
Men are fuelled by fear.
My dad is a wonderful human being, an overachiever and a smart guy who gave me a lot of emotional support and love. However, as time went on, he became less vocal about his disagreements with my mother's behavior and less successful at protecting me from her. By the time I reached my teens, and even now, he encourages me to leave her alone and agree with her because"you know what she's like".
Biggest shoutout to him though, the guy crafted his work in parallel to her. He created his own space with me and made me strong, aware and independent. It's been a cool battle inside me. He is the voice that pops up whenever I feel like there is no way out, the voice which tells me "Remember who you are!" and back up I go.
Fear is not weakness, but lack of love.
I can only imagine what is like to be in a relationship with all this going on. I remember him vocalizing his beliefs and disagreements to her and eventually giving in. I guess it all got too hard and he realized that his true behavior only made my mother sad, and angry, and would lead to fights and toxic comments. I believe he didn't want to keep challenging her on her shortcomings as it would cause upset and her defense would be projecting everything onto him. I believe that a mixture of worry planted in his mind that he might be wrong about his instincts, and the fear he is responsible for the misery of his loved one, made him give up this battle.
I used to think you cannot understand or read people’s behaviour. That it’s unreliable because people are unpredictable. I couldn't have been more wrong. There is always a reason for every behaviour and action. We can build better, happier and more meaningful relationships if we can find that power within us, shut out the outside noise, and find compassion and understanding for those who don’t treat us very nicely.
Let’s not either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain and instead, live long enough to become curious and brave.
We got this!
Comments