Last Supper
As I regain a sense of self and the fire within ignites more each day, I realise I’ve always been waiting for someone to define me. I’ve always looked for either validation or criticism, always seeking to find out whether they admire or judge me. I never thought I could exist without their eyes on me. My thoughts, my needs, my dreams have always been projected onto someone else.
Consciously or not.
As I start to shut the door, so they can only peak through the window, I realise that there is a world of possibilities inside my home. A freedom I’ve never experienced before. I don’t even know where to start. But I’m excited.
When I don’t feel their eyes on the back of my head my mind doesn’t filter the possibilities it brings to the surface, it’s all limitless. There is no end, no boundaries, no restrictions. I now know how powerful I am. To make my dreams and needs a reality, to live peacefully, to be happy, and to allow myself explore and see what shape the life I feel deeply in my core can take.
When I don't hear their mocking voices inside my head, my heart does not live in shame anymore. There is no more guilt for my instinct. My spirit is free to present me with unconventional options so I can find and live my dreams.
And yet, when I begin to feel my body fill with passion and power from my toes up, a little cramp still takes shape in my stomach; Dragon and the traces of pain that are still present.
As I sit with it, I realise, I’ve always been in love with his potential, with who he can be, with who he said he is. I’ve been in love with what he said he wanted, who he said he wanted to become. I’ve let myself be swept away by our fire and passion because I believed the words and didn’t wait for the actions. Once again, my worries and instincts have been correct, even when I thought I was being judgemental. I saw who he was and how he saw himself, but I ignored it and hoped he truly believed he wanted what he was asking for.
Just like energy, I don’t think love ever dies, it only takes different forms. There’s always going to be love there for him, but as long as he stays where is, the feeling of inequality will always be there too. Today, I am incredibly grateful for all the good times, all the lessons, all the love and passion but this is where I leave him. I leave him here and I keep going.
Lately, I’ve been so angry at Panda. So many years together and he couldn't find the eyes to see me. So many ‘I love yous’ and he couldn’t find the truth to say it. So many ‘You’re my favourite’ and he couldn’t find the courage to be it. So much shame and guilt. And yet, so many lessons he taught me, so many parts of me he exposed. I am who I am because of him and I’m grateful for it all.
The friends and family that came with this union, were a real, living, and breathing example that I can find my people if I stay true to myself. Their words, actions, coldness, and silence, have helped me find my way back to me and eventually to my tribe. I wouldn’t change a thing.
As I conclude my book I feel like this is the Last Supper, the last time I give the first part of my life my time and energy.
To all parts of myself that thought they were either too much or not enough, all the versions I have trialed over the years, going from one extreme to the other.
To Dragon, my first love and the boy whom I felt part of me from the beginning of time.
To Panda, the boy next to whom I have spent over a decade. And to his world in which I tried so hard to fit into.
I look back with full love and appreciation; for all the lessons, realizations and experiences. I’m not focusing on the ending, I cherish the time we shared and the growth it brought.
You all reminded me of who I am. You reminded me that we hold our own power within us to take the leap, to make the change, to speak up and be fully ourselves, to be curious and let go, no matter what and who we leave behind.
Thank you ❤️ and Goodbye ✌️
I’m now starting to lay down my own path with my own stones and colours. I’m not even looking where I’m going, I don’t care where it takes me, I’m just focused on how it makes me feel. I know it will lead me to my purpose and that’s all I need to know. Maybe someday it will also lead me to you, my teammate, my equal, my passion and love, whoever you might be.
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