I open my eyes and see Daniel getting dressed for work. Yes!! It’s only 6am. A sense of joy washes over me. I have three more sweet hours of sleep ahead of me until I have to get up and start work. I get more comfortable in the big, fluffy duvet, as I watch Daniel with half opened eyes getting dressed. Life is good! I think, as I catch a glimpse of his morning half aroused penis as he puts his boxers on.
We are finally home after a full week visiting my family. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm quite proud of how I handled some of the situations. I must be maturing.
No need to think about it anymore. I am finally home. I've missed our cottage, our garden, and the sea. Only one day of work, and then we get to relax for a long Bank Holiday weekend. I think to myself.
I don’t even pay attention to the pit in my stomach when the thought of going back work comes to mind. I’ve been away for almost two weeks, god knows what I’m getting back to. I do a quick check in my head. I have left everything how I was asked to. I have done an in depth handover and my manager approved it. I have trained the team and assigned them the work. Projects are on course and no risks identified. I have given them instructions and who to report to in case they get blocked. Everything is good!
I breathe out.
After today I will get to relax and enjoy the sun. I can’t wait to just be with Daniel, go for swims and beers, chill with our friends and finally have the overdue poker night. Maybe even work on my business plan and finally get this business idea off the ground.
I have a strong feeling this is the one that will stick. If not for me, then to prove to Daniel that I can follow through with at least one of my business ideas. He has always supported me and all the brilliant ideas I have had over the years. From my online printing shop, my crochet business and my up-cycling decor to my online marketing consultancy and pop up tiki bar. In the last three years I have set up and let die more websites than I allow myself to remember.
At first, I felt silly sharing my ideas with him because he is a laid-back guy who doesn't really pursue anything outside of work. He enjoys his chilled life, his friends, and his routine. He always says he wants to do things and envies those who know what they want to do, but he can't think of anything he would love to do himself. I think that sometimes the thought of not knowing makes him a bit sad. As much as I would love for him to be a bit more passionate about his own life, I try not to bring it up as much.
Me, I'm the opposite. I’ve always wanted to do stuff and never really had the guts to follow through. But, ever since I’ve read Gary Vee’s book a couple of years ago, I have started to embrace all the ideas that came to mind. There are lots of inspirational books and voices out there. I guess he really cut through the noise for me because he's coming from a similar place in the world as I am.
For a while I kept my projects and ideas hidden from Daniel. I didn’t want to rub my enthusiasm in his face, but after a while the excitement got the better of me and I started sharing bit by bit. Plus, I would feel so guilty for spending evenings in my room plotting rather than watching TV and chilling with him.
At first, I thought he would laugh at me, but to my surprise, he has done nothing but encourage me.
His support hasn't stopped him from teasing me about how easily I give up, though. I love it when he does, although sometimes his choice of words can be a little harsh. I understand that from the outside, it looks like I’m giving up when things get complicated and that I never stick with anything. That’s not how it feels to me though.
I have all these ideas that come with passion and a "why not" attitude, so naturally, I go in full throttle. As much as I am damn good at my day job, it's not something I see myself doing for the rest of my life. It doesn't fuel the fire in my belly, it doesn't excite me, and it doesn't make me feel alive and kicking. So, I attach myself hard to the inspirations I find online in my quest to find something that resonates.
To be completely honest, I know what I want. I know exactly what I want. I’ve always known. It’s so deeply woven in me, it feels like I was born with it. But it’s so dumb and unrealistic, and definitely way to late for me to start. I feel silly even putting words to it. I feel naive and embarrassed about it.
Now, this knowing is just a dusty box in the center of my brain. It’s there and I know what it is, but I’m not going near it. I don’t open it, I just work around it.
Sometimes I would look at it and wonder what I would do if I were to open it. On my "why not" moments, I would even spend a day Googling ways to start tending to it. It’s always superficial though. I let myself think I put passion and meaning into it, but I don't really. If I give it an ounce of serious thought, it might mean that I'll lose what I have around me, and I can't do that. I can't just change who I fundamentally am in my mid30s. I'll end up alone, and I don't think I'm okay with that thought.
“Have a good day! Love you.” Daniel interrupts my half asleep daydreaming.
“Love you too!” I mumble with eyes closed as I turn over to the right side and get more cozy, ready for my three hour nap.
With my eyes still closed, I start feeling what it can only be described as a storm forming inside my belly. The calm and fuzzy feeling inside me is being replaced by an ominous churn, a sense of impending doom rising from my gut. I watch how a maelstrom of fear begins to form, growing in intensity with each passing moment.
It consumes my chest, squeezing the breath out of me, until I don’t feel my heart beating anymore. My throat tightens and my mind becomes loud, as if a malevolent force is possessing my whole being.
The whirlpool of terror inside me is now embodying me, proceeding to become so loud and overpowering, it drowns everything else out. I don’t know if I’m still breathing, if my heart is racing or has stopped completely, or where my hands and feet are.
Suddenly, I am jolted from lying down by a violent force, as if something had grabbed me and refused to let go. My body starts to tremble, as the world around me, as I knew it, no longer exists. I feel like my brain is detached from the back of my eyes.
I am now at the edge of the bed, staring at the floor, trying to calm myself down, to make sense of what is happening to me. Have I suddenly lost my mind? Is this what madness feels like?
I watch as my arm reaches and picks up my phone. It’s 6.46am. I stare at my phone for some time, then I lie back down in an attempt to regain control.
As I lie down, with my eyes closed, I realise: Nothing matters.
I try to distract myself with the hobbies or things that I thought it brought me joy but then I realise, they don’t.
What’s the point? I don’t do anything right. I never had.
Everything I have done, at work or at home, has been wrong.
I don’t stick with anything.
I don’t do anything.
Why would I?
Literally, nothing matters.
It’s all a distraction.
We’re just on a rock, somewhere in the dark universe, floating away. There is absolutely no point. No point in doing my business plan, no point in going to work, no point in talking to Daniel, no point in talking to anyone, really.
I feel like darkness has engulfed me completely, like every breath will be my last because there is no energy left in me to inhale once more.
And for what anyway?
There is nothing, anywhere.
The moment I realise there is literally no point in breathing, I feel like my whole heart and mind has sunk deeper than I thought it was possible. I feel a black hole taking over my gut, my stomach, my mind, swallowing me completely.
I should text Daniel. I need help. I thought for just one second. Then I realise, What’s he going to do? It’s not like I’m hurt, or bleeding or whatever. It’s all in my mind, no one can help me.
OK, let’s think. Why is this happening? I have another go at fixing this. If I know why this is happening, then I can fix it.
I think long and hard. There is absolutely nothing wrong. There is no reason for this to happen. I guess my mum was right. Your brain will tell you what to do and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I don’t want to be mentally ill, I don’t want to deal with this every single day for the rest of my life, I think in manic panic.
I close my eyes. The moment I do, it’s like my brain has also realised what I just did. It’s like my brain is observing me and I’m observing it, both realising the noise will never stop, we will never be ok.
I jolt my eyes open. And even if I will be ok eventually, for what? There is nothing that matters in this world. Everything is made up. It’s all distractions. And if nothing matters then, why should I stay and put myself through this misery?
I close my eyes again. My mind is showing me the thought of me going to the shed and picking up the Daniel’s ratchet straps. I then see myself hanging off the oak beams in the living room. The moment this thought comes to mind, I freak out even more than before.
What the fuck! I don’t want to die.
But what if I will do it? What if I become so fed up knowing that nothing matters, that I don’t want to do anything ever and I just do it? I just end it.
What if I go for a walk and jump off the cliff? I cannot control my mind. What if it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it?
Just call Daniel, I tell myself.
I pick up my phone and go to dial.
I stare at the screen for a while.
I stop and put my phone down.
I don’t want him to see me like this, he can’t help.
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