Big Leap

📘 The Spaces in Between

Panda, April, A year ago

I found myself in a new cycle of overwhelm and anxiety lately. It’s easier to spot and much easier to identify why these alarms go off these days. I have learned to see these emotions as an alarm system signaling that I am straying off the course of my own being. So, it’s actually fun to dust off my detective hat and investigate to find out what it is that I’m carrying that’s not mine.

But this time, something told me that I was being too impatient and relapsing into the old habit of needing to take action after action, never just standing still in the present moment. With this, I realized I’ve never really taken any time to see the person I used to be and how far I have come in finding my way back to who I know I am inside. It’s not just a figure of speech; I was physically a different person. At my highest during those years, I used to act like myself but I was never being myself.

I picked up my Spaces in Between manuscript (which I am still searching for a way to end) and came across a journal entry I wrote in April last year. It was the moment when I finally remembered who I was. The moment when all the breadcrumbs I had been dropping for the last decade or so were finally piled up and dusted off the table. It was the moment when I saw and loved every version of myself - the ones who went through all the stages of fear. No matter how scary each stage was, they never fully dropped their true voice and fire within.

No matter how frightening and threatening to their safety their inner knowing was that something wasn’t right, they carried it to the next stage, even if it meant locking it in a box and burying it deep inside. Every version of myself made sure that the next one was set up for success in case they found the courage to take another step forward, and for that, I am forever grateful.

Big Leap is the moment when I have hugged my biggest fear and accepted it because I have realised that it’s nothing in comparison to living dead for the rest of my life.

This extract is for for anyone who needs a reminder of how strong, complex and worthy they are.

Big Leap

April 2023

When you know what you need to do but aren't quite ready, change can appear terrifying, and the instinct to retreat becomes overwhelming. You might ignore your gut feeling and intuition, choosing to bury your head in the sand. Not being ready can keep you stuck in the unhappy but familiar situation you've built for yourself. You will be willing to make any compromise for the allure of comfort, no matter the stakes.

The truth is, knowing what you need to do is the first step, and there's no time limit to it. There's no pressure, no need for rushed decisions, and no panic for not knowing what action to take. Only when you relax will you know when you're ready to take that leap – to have the conversations, write the letters, ask the questions, lay your feelings out on the table, and reveal your true self, the one you've kept locked inside your head for the better part of your life. Gradually, the once scary situation becomes something you naturally do. Giving yourself the space and time is the key.

Two years ago, the threat of continuing life on my own, changing my home, and flipping everything upside down, was something that caused me a lot of anxiety and sweaty armpits. It kept me from voicing my real needs and concerns and it kept me from showing up as I truly am in my relationship.

I don’t want to leave and I don’t want our relationship to end, but the fear of it ending kept me prisoner in my own mind. I have to think about it, and I have to make sure I’m ok to live with the consequences, if they happen.

I have learned that bravery starts small.

It all begins with the thought, the moment you allow yourself to bring to consciousness the feeling of 'something's not okay.' There's no need for immediate action, nor to obsessively dwell on it. All you have to do is slowly acknowledge it in moments when you feel most secure. Be curious, ask yourself questions. Don't suppress it, don't dismiss it, and don't ignore it.

Let your mind get accustomed to it naturally; you don't even need to be fully aware of the process. Simply observe it when it surfaces, be pumped that you are now aware, knowing that you hold the power over your own life. If it’s stirring an anxiety ball, drop it for a second and check in again when you're feeling lighter.

Looking back, this is what I've been doing for months, without even realizing, and it's how I found my strength and my voice.

And so, the day when the trigger triggered, I was able to stand my ground a bit more than the time before. And next time, I was able to stand my ground even more. And, once a slow process, became quick action. Backed up with thoughts and facts, it was impossible to steer me off course.

What was once a fearful thought, became the way forward. I found in me what I needed to live, to thrive, to make my own choices and mistakes.

If my strength is not accepted by the person next to me, even more, it’s mocked and attacked, just like my mother used to do, I know I am now strong enough within myself to fight for what I know to be true for me. I know I have the strength to change my circumstances instead of wasting my energy trying to convince someone to see or love me.

I am no longer afraid to end up alone. I will finally share all my fears and worries with Panda. I know we can work through them, he loves me and I love him.

And if it happens we don’t, well, that’s an answer in itself.

I know I have the strength to build a new life for myself, if it ever comes to that.

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Spoiler alert, it did come to that and I was right. I was strong enough and then some.