I write to discover who I am

I have recently realised something that I consider to be a powerful truth.

I think that karmic relationships are meant to show us on the outside how we're treating ourselves on the inside, because we only believe physical reality to be real.

Choosing partners or friends who don't align with our needs, desires, and values creates a dynamic that makes us insecure, unsure of where we stand, second-guessing, and doubting our own minds. In a way, by allowing such relationships fuelled by insecurity, desire to make them see us, feelings of unworthiness, and people-pleasing, we mirror how we treat ourselves. These relationships serve as a reflection of our internal dynamics because no matter how anxious and unhappy we get, we never really stop our own pain unless forced by the outside world.

I’m lying in my own bed, in my own cozy cute home, across the street from the sea. I found this space, I worked to be able to afford it, and I made it my home. I used to ignore all these truths and fundamentals because I would be hyper-focused on fixing the one big wrong in my life.

I used to be terrified of being alone. Spending birthdays, Christmases, and New Year alone was worse than death. This fear has been in me for so long, I never really took the time to understand it. I now know it wasn't something I was born with but instilled in me by the outside environment, by people, society, and everything in between.

Here I am. Alone and peaceful.

Come to think of it, I’ve always enjoyed being with myself. My fear didn’t really come from the worry I would die alone, no matter how many times I said it, I never truthfully thought that, it came more from the pitiful looks the ones around me would give me when I was alone.

I used to define my life by the guy I wanted to attract or have next to me. I’ve always had at least one boy on my mind. I used to fixate on someone and think about them indefinitely. I wouldn’t do anything about it, they almost never knew I existed, but I always had someone on my mind. Never the boys that wanted me, no matter how cute they were. Those boys weren’t good cos they wanted me, and I wasn’t good, therefore there was something wrong with them and I wanted unbroken boys, not the ones that were faulty.

I never took the time to pause and thoroughly express through words and actions who I truly am and what I desire. Everything was quick, reactive, loud, and distracting. My focus was always to chase, to find a boy I could be with, and then I would figure out who I was. Figuring myself out was easy, was something I already had inside me, all I needed to do was to extract it and bring it out to my conscious. Easy! But convincing a boy I’m worthy to have around was a challenge. It was work to be done there. So let’s do the hard bit first, then we’ll deal with my own person.

This cycle lasted 22 years.

It stopped exactly one month ago.

And not because I suddenly decided to or because I said so, but because I felt it. It’s because I spent 20 minutes scrolling through a dating app where all the boys looked the same and all the words said nothing, it’s because I have the opportunity to get me some 😏 and I’m curious but not excited and it’s because I can’t imagine having dinner with a stranger telling him about myself when I don’t even know the words that describe me. All I know are the words that people around me used to describe me. They are not accurate.

To this day I’m nervous in any new social environment or even at a performance review at work where they ask me about myself. Tell me about yourself. What’s the best thing about you? What’s your top three strengths? Who are you?

Simon Sinek said something about people answering the question of Who are you with their name, age, and job title. That’s not who we are and yet that’s where our minds go instantly. I don’t want that to be me anymore. I want to know and be comfortable expressing it.

And that’s my focus.

Indefinitely.

Not only to fully bring to the surface who I am, but also to remember it and act on it in every moment of every day, with everyone I see, meet, and am around. Figure out how I feel about a situation and know if it’s an old reaction or a genuine one.

And use all of this energy I produce to achieve the two things I’m dying to achieve.

This is my focus.

It took four years for me to realise that I had gifted my power to these boys who couldn’t even recognize their own strength.

I had trusted them to tell me who I was and what I wanted when I already knew.

Fear is dangerous.

Fear kills you and makes you believe your heart is still beating.

Fear leaves you with only the outline, so they can paint you with their hues when they themselves lack the spectrum.

Fear is the lack of love.

Love makes you a little braver each day.

Love makes you see there’s nothing wrong with you, there never was.

Love brings your colors back, and they don't care about staying inside the lines.

Love lets you see the nuances of life, how one person can save you only to later try to kill you in a different way.

Next to Dragon, I realised that what I thought I wanted was not what I needed. I discovered passion and love I never knew existed. I never thought it was going to be him, but I wasn't surprised either.

Next to Panda I used to be terrified of letting myself go into the day-to-day, sucked in the back hole of nothingness that was our life, and waking up 60 years later feeling just as empty and disconnected.

If I “fall asleep” working on my dreams and wake up 60 years from now, with no boy in my life but have explored every desire and instinct to its depth, that’s a life well spent. Because I now know I can’t control other people's actions. Of course, I want someone next to me. I want to share, build, and be close to. But I don’t want anybody. I don’t want to settle. And it’s not about better or worse people, it’s about who is suitable for me. Someone who can complement my own way of being, my energy, intellect, and way of showing up in the world. And I know I can’t control that. I can’t be constantly looking, trialing, and working effortlessly to get it. I’ve done this for 20 years and ignored my own being.

So instead, I’m focusing on myself and my dreams because they make me feel good. Parts of me will connect with friends, more deeply each day. I will get to meet new people and explore new places. I can now bring joy into people’s lives and into my own. If a part of me is so terrified of dying alone then this is the best bet I have to eventually find someone who would suit me. And that part is safe because she is loved and supported by the other parts of me who are not afraid of dying alone but dying alive.

When I started writing my diaries four years ago I didn’t know what I was writing about. I was watching TV and my fingers would type away. For years I was afraid to go back and read what I wrote. I couldn’t do it but I was calmer each day because because I knew my thoughts were safe. They were out of my head and into my cloud.

When I write I feel I’m going into my truth. The seed of who I am, the middle of my brain, the bottom of my stomach, the center of my gut.

I write to discover who I am.

When I started going through my journals and eventually started putting this book together, I realized that deep, deep down, beyond all the relationship worries, beyond all the shame and the sadness, beyond the fear and childhood memories, at the core of it all was a profound desire to connect. It was a desire to be seen. Not necessarily to be agreed with or understood all the time but to be seen.

And surely I'm not the only one.

All my life, through all my boy chases, career chasing, course chasing, and hobby chasing, all I was trying to do was find a place in this world where I could be seen. And I would put on all these versions of myself and go all out, thinking, Maybe this is my thing or Maybe I could be this or I can make this fit. And it never worked out. I get it now - I was never fully committed because I was never fully owning my truth, my own self.

This book shows this exact transition. Written in the moment. Frozen in time.

And now I know, my mind was fighting to keep me in my comfort zone, leading me to choose everything but the one thing that could stop the spiraling. It was too scary and no matter how exhausting, it was better to go from one extreme to another and try on a million versions of myself rather than doing the only thing that would alleviate my suffering and give me what I truly desired, instantly.

All I had to do was see myself first. But I had to be ready first.

This book exposes all the motions I have gone through. The real experiences, elaborate thought processes, quick decisions and costly mistakes, all show how easy it is to create our lives without intention.

It was better to chase new things every week, push down my feelings and worries, think I was too much, believe that people don’t just have passion, in Panda's words “this is not a romcom movie”, and live in guilt that I couldn’t just be like the other girlfriends, and in the shame that I wanted to be desired and feel wanted.

Without realizing it in the moment, I documented the journey of taking control of my own life when I thought I was already in control. The details, the patterns, the talking myself into things, the distraction with shiny new things, the lack of love for myself.

And surely I can't be the only one. If these genuine moments can raise question marks or inspire confidence and bravery in one person in this world, I have fulfilled my purpose.

I share my story for all those who often feel like they're either "too much" or "not enough," who wake up one day, halfway through life, and realize they've been mindlessly walking through it, like empty shells merely going through the motions.

I share my unfiltered thoughts and worries for those who constantly silence their inner knowing, intuition, thoughts, needs, and emotions, driven by the fear of being wrong or the belief that those around them will never truly understand, and will eventually leave them.

I share my mistakes for everyone who thinks they are truly alone in feeling or thinking the way they do.

I share it all because we miss the moments in between the moments when you’re busy making other plans. The moments that seem insignificant, but when put together they show your struggles, your wounds, and the inauthentic shape your life has taken. If, by oversharing all my inner thoughts and journey to find balance, love, and connection, I can help someone relate and inspire them to look within their own minds and souls, then I have succeeded.

I let the boys next to me write my price tag and people around me to put me on sale.

No more putting myself second, no more shame, no more guilt, no more chasing.

No more fear.

I spent my life using my strength and determination to fight against who I am. I’m now using it to show myself who I am.

There are a million stories about finding courage,

A million stories about how we fathom our minds,

A million stories about how we rise from the ashes.

This is one of them.

Well... the work in progress.